Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The First Hot Day In Chicago Is Always A Trip

Sunday, May 29th was a hot day in Chicago. The temperature reached 90 degrees. It was very humid, so it felt even warmer. And people lost their damn minds.

There were a lot of news reports of people getting hauled off the city beaches in ambulances and paddy wagons. Chicagoans lose their mind. It's been unseasonably cold for a long time and so I guess people had a lot of extra hair they had to let down.

But come on, let's have some sense. It's like when the first snow falls in the city and people forget they have to start driving slow.

Here are my tips:

How To Live In Chicago When It's Warm For Dummies

1. Bring/buy water. It will be hot and you will sweat. You need to replace the fluids you will lose and beer/vodka won't cut it.

2. Dress appropriately. Of course you're hot in your jeans sneakers and matching jacket. This is Chicago! We are not bred to wear jeans in 90 degree weather like it's Florida. In Chicago, we come up out our clothes when it gets hot. Put those chicken legs and untanned arms in a wife beater and shorts!

3. Maintain your calm. People are more likely to argue when it's warm. But arguing makes you hot which only exacerbates the problem. So stop and breath before you respond to person who was rude to you.

4. You can't win against the cops. They will arrest you for public drunken-ness. They can't be convinced to let you past the roadblock. And they don't know where you can get more booze/weed/open fire hydrants.

5. If you stay in your own neighborhood, keep the firecrackers to a minimum. Illinois has laws against everything that is lots of fun and a little bit dangerous. You can get hurt or in trouble with the law by drawing attention to yourself with firecrackers. Plus, it's not 4th of July yet. You can wait.

These 5 tips should help even the least smart of us get through the next really warm day in Chicago.

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